In Caparison, at 6...
I realized earlier this year, that my oldest daughter would be turning 6 at the end of the summer. To most parents, I assume, this is an exciting time for their kids going into kindergarten or first grade and finally graduating from being a toddler to elementary aged kid. I feel like 6 means so much more to me, since I was six when I left to go to boarding school. 6 was the last time I lived at home full time and 6 was the last time I was truly a dependent child rather than an independent student in the world.
My daughter, who is full of imagination, and independence, but has so many skills and maturity levels yet to master that I had accomplished at her age. And knowing this, makes me feel like I am doing better for her than I had available to me when I was 6, and really isn't that what all parents aim for.
When I was 6, I lived in Beaumont, Tx on the wrong side of town. My mother worked 2-3 jobs, which meant I spent a good amount of time either sleeping under her desk, in a daycare center for low income families, or at home with the door locked. I would visit with our neighbors for dinner at times that my mom wasn't home, and others I would make easy meals like macaroni and cheese or a microwave meal. We were always short on something, or having to request help from our church for basics, but I don't remember being particularly unhappy, just not as carefree as other kids my age. I would always volunteer to help with the younger kids at daycare and assist the workers, since it never felt comfortable letting go and just taking a nap or having someone clean after me. My independence and problem solving skills were always admired by adults I interacted with, but the skills came from a place of necessity, not growth, and that made adult's comments simply a reminder of what I had left behind in Texas once I went away to school.
My daughter, is growing up in a world that wasn't available to me as a child. She has lived in New Jersey, New York, and is now settled into a home in Virginia. She has never known true want other than not having as much as YouTube stars, and has never been left at home without a paid sitter. She is so bright and inquisitive, and her imagination is as wide as the sky, but if I tasked her with making her own dinner, I am sure the fire department would need to be called. She is fiercely independent and always looking to help her teachers in school, but it comes from a place of admiration, rather than uncomfortableness, and she has never said no to an afternoon nap!
I moved, at age 6, to live at The Milton Hershey School, a school for underprivileged and lower income students from around the country that qualified for the shot at a different life trajectory. When asked if I wanted to go, the answer was a quick yes, with a slight hesitancy since I didn't speak Pennsylvanian at the time. :D I soon learned that I didn't need any language training for the move and the only adjustment would be that I would have to be a kid again, and adhere to rules and set structures that were missing from my single parent household. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner would always be a standard at the school, along with chores and bedtimes. It was a large shift from the flexible lifestyle I was used to of eating when truly hungry, cleaning when necessary, and going to bed when the last Cheers episode went off the 8 inch black and white tv. I struggled with giving up my previous lifestyle and wasn't a fan of being told what to do or having anyone take care of me, and with 10 other kids in the house I lived in, I managed to go along with most things so I could disappear and do what I wanted without much notice.
I look forward to seeing how my daughter adapts to her upcoming attendance at elementary school. She has attended a daycare or preschool since she was 10 weeks old as a kid of full time out of the house working parents. She has always thrived and received star-filled reports that rave about her kindness to others, helpfulness, and sheer joy of learning. This new structure of going to school and coming home to a remote working parent will be an interesting test of her independence. She will never have the need to stay home without someone caring for her, but she will need to occupy her own time and manage her own snack time while one of us, finishes out our work day. I wonder what she will fill her time with; books, art, homework, or play. Whatever it is, she will have the freedom to choose without the cloud of responsibility over her head.
When planning for kids with my husband, I must have told him every story up to my sixth year. I was introducing my life to him, as we all do in marriage and friendship, but at the same time I was highlighting the life I wanted to avoid for my kids. I would tell him about the living conditions, that I could laugh at when older, and the frustrations I saw in my mother that were caused by mental illness and struggling to make paychecks cover our needs. I would gush about how happy I was to have found him, and how I wanted our kids to have a duel parent home where they could learn how to accept help and not feel the weight to always compensate for the circumstances of the week. I pushed for kids that could cry because they were unhappy or complain that they didn't want to eat the same thing again and not worry about that being the only option or that the comment would drain one of us for the remainder of the week. At the top of my list, I just wanted us to be parents who allowed our kids to be children who thought about childhood things and never had to put on a brave face and "grow up" too fast.
We've recently begun giving our daughter jobs around the house that she can take charge of like feeding our cat, and cleaning the table. She is so proud to be helping out with the flow of our home and is learning how to be responsible while not having the weight of her own care on her shoulders. She's such a joy filled child with so many talents and abilities and no mental barrier stopping her from sharing them with others. She takes the initiative to tidy up the bedrooms and living areas without being asked and is so proud of herself afterwards. I sometimes have to reflect on the fact that she is so much like I was with the ability to take charge of jobs and projects confidently, but she comes at it from a different place that isn't a requirement but a want to be a participating member in her family's home. She will have a different experience in her 6th year that won't require The Milton Hershey School's intervention, and I have come to think that, that is probably a success story in itself.
Here's to a great 6th year for my daughter, and to the accomplishment of a parent that has made it this far as well!